Derrick Hashslinging

Ser Derrick Hashslinging is a rather genial and grumpy c*nt, who eats stilton blobber pie daily. He also has severe Derrick Syndrome. This all began when he consumed aciduous chemicals, and became a mad c*nt.

Description
As of April 2018, Derrick Hashslinging is a rather tall gentleman, standing at 6'12". He owns thy rustled goatee, thy ruffled silver hair, and thy wrestled wrinkled face. Due to his severe Derrick syndrome his penile region is abnormally small, but he compensates for it with the size of his forehead. It is also said that if he looks you directly in the eye thy will start to uncontrollably pluck at your eyebrows, and that Derrick has a secret third nipple which he isolates from thy rest of thy nipplage.

Birth
Ser Derrick Hashslinging was born in 0 DD, in Barrow-in-Furness, which is located in the west coast of England. He was born in a bath - his mother didn't realise she had been impregnated, so therefore she was sat fully clothed in thy bath (smoking heroine and drinking liquidised cat shit (this was due to rationing, because of Thy Rather Mediocrely-Sized War of Barrow-in-Furness)). Derrick glided along thy bottom of thy bath, immediately after birth, ripping straight through his mother's cardigan (which she was wearing on her nether regions), and when his mother heard thy thud of thy Derrick Hashslinging, she screamed out, "Oh no, it appears I've shetted on my new cardigan, this was meant to be relaxing and now it stinks of shit!" Derrick then let out a dreadful scream as he simmered in thy bath water, his mother was not impressed - she continued to exclaim the following: "Why thy feck is thy shet squelching about, my shets are most usually stagnant!" 24 hours after Derrick's mother gave birth to Derrick, she couldn't handle the sad truth - that Derrick Hashslinging was indeed a simmerer, so she decided to fling Ser Derrick out of thy bathroom window! However, before she did thy dreadful act, she whispered in his ear, "I declare you 'Ser Derrick Hashslinging', but I cannot let you simmer in my family bathroom much longer - I must ask you to leave!" But before Derrick could do a shet of wrongdoing, his mother did a Taiwanese Flying Leg Flex, sending Ser Derrick flying out of thy window, onto thy road below.

Childhood
Shortly after Ser Derrick Hashslinging had been Taiwanese flying leg flexed out of thy family bathroom window, a random bulldog by thy name of Carla came by and urinated upon his faceular region, which instantly shocked Derrick, in fact, Derrick was so disgusted by thy urination, he skinned thy bulldog, and he threw thy c*nt in thy beck of Mosul. He then spent 15 years roaming thy sea-side town of Barrow-in-Furness, and Derrick foraged his sustenance from thy left over excrement of thy Seaside Paul.

Early Adult Life
In Ser Derrick Hashslinging's early adultery dayns, he had had enough of Seaside Paul's painful excrement, so Ser Derrick said his final farewells to everybody he knew (all one of them), and he then moved to Bethlehem, Israel. When he was In Israel he decided to try thy national delicacy, which was thy dish of limpets and stuffed turmeric sauce with a side dish of braided fish hair. Following thy consumption of thy dirty middle eastern cuisine, he then began to hallucinate. Thy hallucinations told Derrick to "go and bloody lop off thy legs so that thy mayeth return to thy vastly stumpy fetal form!"

Derrick Hashslinging then stumbled his way to a small barn, where he found a child in a manger. He then proceeded to bludgeon thy wee cunt to death with a sock filled with sand, and therefore Derrick needed to disguise him self as thy petite new born. Subsequently, he climbed inside thy nostrils of thy child, and started to wail like thy child would. Later on in thy night, thy child's mother came to check on him. She proclaimed him Jesus Crust, but before thy child's mother could leave thy barn, Derrick hopped out of thy manger and strangled her to death with his small child cock, and he then did this to every other member of thy child's family.

Later Adult Life
In Ser Derrick Hashslinging's later adultery dayns he decided to travel from Bethlehem to Tabuk which is located in thy most desert region of Saudi Arabia. While roaming thy rugged sand paths of Tabuk he came across a young fellow of thy nogular kind. Thy nig then pronounced to Derrick " Sup nigger I hear you're thy Ser Derrick Hashslinging, I've heard much about you and I need to tell you something." Ser Derrick then reposted in anger and brandished his long sharp toe nail and started to hack away at thy young fellow, severing his arteries and dicing his flesh. With thy young nogular fellows last breath he exclaimed to Derrick "NO I AM YOUR FATHERRRRR...UGHHHHH... ." Ser Derrick Hashslinging then realised what he had done and squatted on the spot and urinated furiously, with such anger, guilt, despondency , dolefulness , downcastness ,dejection and woe. His child sized bellend burst into huge amounts of fleshy morsels. Derrick Hashslinging then went into a blooded daze and then collapsed onto the sand below him.

Ser Derrick then woke up In the back of a wooden cart with his bruised bellend crater stitched up with chicken feathers, as he glanced at the driver of thy cart he saw a dirty middle eastern man covered in what looks like horse hair and mulberry cavern table cloth. Ser Derrick then said to thy driver " EXUSE ME YOU BELLIGERENT CUNT, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, YOU NEED TO LET ME GO OR ILL TIE YOU UP AND PUT YOU IN THY SANDY TUMERIC DISSOLVER!!." The driver then claimed "Vimbela uphuthi noma ngizokuthuma enkukhu yami ethosiwe i-drama yomculo!!." Derrick then fainted once more.

When Ser Derrick Hashslinging awoke from his heat induced slumber he then realised where he was, he had been dumped at the side of thy river Jordan. Derrick Hashslinging then decided to ponder his way further down the river, eventually he came across a bustling crowd of dirty, undusted, crummy, dishevelled, dusty, filthy, greasy, grimy, messy ,terracotta-like middle eastern commoners. As Derrick saltated through the crowd he could hear the sound of splurging water. When he arrived at the riverside he saw a bearded knave getting aggressively dunked under thy dirty piss water, so Ser Derrick then wanted to emancipate the young knave, Derrick then proceeded to perform a Cantonese Rear Naked Headlock upon thy belligerent man who was dunking the knave in a unheathly manner. But as Ser Derrick had a closer inspection of thy young knave he, attained the knowledge that he had just saved Jesus Christ. Derrick then performed a Eritrean Twisted Wrist Launch upon Jesus Christ instantly killing him.

A couple days of consistently pondering around thy river Jordan Ser Derrick Hashslinging then had an idea: he was going to travel to Sudan for thy most sandy of heaths dwell there. Still thinking of his dad that he had just slaughtered, Derrick decided to have a green bean tasting session in Egypt to calm his guilt. When Derrick arrived in Egypt he could sense slavery in the air (Ser Derrick then told us that thy reasons for his slavery senses were because of the mass amounts of Jewish excrement and kinky leather whips laying on thy sandy floor). Ser Derrick was astounded by the power of the slave owners in Egypt, he wanted that kind of power over others, so Ser Derrick vowed to keep slaves until his untimely death. Later on in the week Derrick met a old slave owner, Ser Derrick asked the slave owner if he could purchase some of his finest female slaves, the owner then exclaims "for what use do you desire my finest female slaves?" Derrick replies with "for raping, ravaging, plundering, despoiling, and boiling in a ceramic vial of course." The old slave owner then reposted with " NAY you shan't have thy female slaves thy dirty, infested cunt, FUCK OFF!!."

Derrick Hashslinging did not take kindly to thy slaver's insults, so Derrick did a Right Royal Sudanese Smash-Up, instantly severing the slaver's spinals regions until they looked like bits of sliced Manchengo Cheese. Derrick followed it up with a dastardly Dreadful Tibetan Toe-Twist which over a period of 3 minutes burned all the toe hairs off of his twisted toe. Every single being in Aswan-Dam turned to see what the commotion was all about, when they saw that their was a kerfuffle all the big niggas conveyed them selves towards Derrick. At this time Derrick knew what was bout to go down in this town. Ser Derrick was well and truly ecklefecked but then Derrick heard a big swoosh from behind and felt a awful smack to the back of his head, luckily for Derrick he knew what had hit the back of his head just from the gust of stanky air that followed straight after, he had been bludgeoned from behind with a big nigga's Stank Stick. the stank stick was a big, dark, and certainly stanky. Derrick quickly regained consciousness as he awoke he realised that his garments had been relinquished, he was there on the sandy floor butt bollock naked, spread eagle as if someone had had their way with Derrick's unknowing body. Derrick Felt a sharp pain in his anal region, as he blundered on to his feet he felt his sphincter loosen excrement piled out of Derrick nether regions. it was like a waterfall but the waterfall wasn't made out of water instead it was made out of dark arse sprayin mayhem that looked pretty gangrenous.

Derrick then floundered his way to Libya splat fart the whole way there, Derrick finally made it to the internationally famous Libyan toilets that are made out of Ulaanbaatar donkey bone ceramic. As Derrick perched his derrière onto the piss ridden seat he hear all mighty parp from the cubicle on his left, following the parp some wonderful stench wafted towards Derricks nose. It was the most divine smell he had ever inhaled. He suddenly started to reminisce about that fateful minute he spent with his mother, the smells, the taste, the touch. As he stopped reminiscing about his mother and the time he spent with her, he sprawled his way over to the cubicle on the left, he heard the noise of a bubbling liquid that he was certain he'd heard before. Derrick was angered by the remembrance of what his mother had done to him when he was a new born, he blasted his head into the cubicle door instantly shattering it into little splintering pieces of waxed polystyrene. He couldn't believe what was sitting on that piss ridden Ulaanbaatar donkey bone ceramic toilet seat, Derrick started to feel a bit sad. It was his mother, smoking heroine and drinking liquidised cat shit. Derrick asked her why she discarded him as a child and as Derrick said that sentence his mother looked up at Derrick and said "WHo TheY bluDDy FUcK Is YOU CuNt". Derrick Felt even more saddened by what his mother had exclaimed he then followed on to slide his nigger cunt leather steel toed boots on and slammed his boots into his mothers face instantly crushing her skull into little bits of cat shit soaked bone fragments.