Blasted Heath

Description
Thy Blasted Heath is thy noritial and derritial term for the Earth.

8018 BD
This year was thy first year of time. Thy Salted Fetus created thy Heavens and thy Heath by expelling watery excrement from its left orifice. He said unto thy clearly flat plane "Thy art fags," before expelling flatulance and disappearing into the metaphysical rectumvoid.

8000 BD
And thy words of thy Salted Fetus were truth -  Adam and Steve crawled from the ground. But Steve saideth "I wish to partake in no bumulations," and he beat Adam to death with a stick of salami. Steve proceeded to copulate with a tree, and thy people of thy Blasted Heath were birthed from a crag within thy tree, 10,000 strong.

2630 BD
Thy grand pyramids of Aegypt were built by thy Playmobil™ midgets, whomst constructed them in a way so that they would spell out 'Penis', if they were flipped upside down and urinated upon. Thou would not see such a text if thou were to attempt such a feat, because thy midgets were dyslexic, and thy pyramids spell nothing. Upon one belligerent night, thy pyramids united in pure congealment, causing a beam of light to shoot from thy tips of thy structures, causing thy heavenly Egg to collide with thy Heath, upon Chicxulub, Mexico, causing thy other life forms other than humans to appear, including thy dinosaurs, and thy Noritial Parentage.

0 DD
Thy Derrick Hashslinging was borneth upon thy day of January 1st, 0BD.

1309 DD
Thy betrayal of Bigtoes and Liltoes occured. Thy Derrick Hashsling told thy Liltoes to fight 'for thy king', and Liltoes proceeded to decapitate thy great Bigtoes.

1803 DD
Thy Derrick Hashslinging creates thy nog volunteers, for the good of all men.

1818 DD
Noris Kneecap hatches from his mother's kneecap, who has been alive since 2630 BD. He immidiately grows a moustache, finds a suit and bowler hat, and murders 23 people for no apparent reason.

1850 DD
Derrick Hashslinging consumed vast amounts of aciduous chemicals. This led him to believe that he was a pet fish owned by thy Water People. He has been well fehooked in the head ever since this vile deedulancy occured.

1865 DD
Thy Nog Trade ends.

1902 DD
The Dinosaurs become vastly extinct, with only dressing gowns surviving thy demise.

2003 DD
Thy El Megamindo is conjured up from a puddle of AIDs on the floor. He pretends that he is a duck for about 14 years, before embracing his massive head.

2018 DD
Thy great nation of Hashton upon Heath is created, a nation constantly under attack from uncouth savages who often take pleasure is disrespecting the derritial and noritial ways.